Each Zodiac’s Questionable Taste In Men

Aries

You love a guy with street smarts instead of one with book smarts. In other words, you love an illiterate man.

Taurus

You love a man in therapy. The sensitive poet type who inexplicably reads Milton by the seaside like he doesn’t have a job or anywhere else to be. Probably because doesn’t have a job or anywhere else to be. Nothing turns you on more than the thought of a man breaking generational cycles. To you, dirty talk sounds like “When you did ____, it made me feel ____”. Oh yes, you love a man who can effectively communicate his emotions constructively. You also randomly love unemployed men with way too much time on their hands. Why? Because that way he has the time to sit with emotions and ponder his trauma while he files for unemployment.

Gemini

You have a thing for men who don’t own cars.

Cancer, you’re delusional so you’ll usually fall for a man who either lives at home with his mom, is a serial killer, or both. There is no in-between for you. It’s either a homeless man or Jeffrey Dahmer. “He has a sensitive side..” You areare right now fighting for your life in the group chat.

You love a short king, Leo. You’re the type of person who doesn’t want to feel dominated in a relationship but rather like an equal to your man. To quote Susan B. Anthony at some point in her life, “Equal rights, equal heights.” It’s what the suffragettes fought for… For you to be able to see eye to eye with your man.

You love the idea of a man. An intangible mane. A man who is made up. A figment of your imagination. You love a man written by women. He is kind, smart, funny, intelligent, patient, hard-working, protective, and not in this reality—a kind of man who doesn’t exist. But let’s say hypothetically that man did exist in real life. If he was bald, you’d probably end up rejecting him and still complain that no good men are left.

You love men with trust funds and two brain cells. You also go for the classic masculine male archetype—like a young Clint Eastwood in cowboy garb—but you’re the type who would make him shower pre-coital.

You love an ugly hot man with a dk senor and a receding hairline. On occasion, you’ve been known to have a thing for emo men wearing 40. Whenever you show a picture to your friends of the new guy you’re dating, you always have to preface it with “He looks better in person” (he doesn’t). If anything, that photo is doing him a lot of justice.

Sagittarius, your first words were “I can fix him”. You love a broken man who is color blind and as a result, can’t properly dress himself. You love the idea of a good fixer-upper. Why find a man who already has their shit together and can perceive the color spectrum when you could simply thrift one for cheap out of Mommy Issues R’ Us.

You have a thing for players and mob bosses. Why players? Because you love a good challenge and secretly enjoy playing games. You love the idea of outplaying the player. At a certain point, it’s not about finding love, it’s just about winning for you. Seek therapy immediately. Every man that has ever dated you has left that interaction a born-again Christian in search of God. You also love the idea of marrying a Tony Soprano-type man so that you could live out your secret fantasy of being a hot chain-smoking mob wife.

You love the bad boys, Aquarius. I’m not talking about Rebel Without A Cause, James Dean bais d. I’m talking misdemeanor bad. I’m talking about x evasion I’m taking an off-shore bank account badly. I’m talking about embezzling money from a children’s cancer charity. I’m talking,  aboutwould probably shmakehe housing market badbadlyPisces

You love a sickly malnourished-looking man who eats cigarettes for breakfast. You love a man who looks like he hasn’t felt the warmth of the sunlight upon his skin in ages nor the kiss of his mother’s lips upon his hallowed cheeks. You love a dehydrated-looking man.