It might be challenging to identify toxic relationships because some of them pass for everyday encounters. Toxic relationships can take many different shapes, ranging from a partner who guilt-trips you into staying to a buddy who continuously disparages your accomplishments.
It could be a supervisor who takes advantage of your commitment, a family member whose affection seems conditional, or even a relationship where open communication is replaced with passive-aggression.
Even an apparently positive dynamic can occasionally become toxic when it saps your vitality, sense of value, or emotional calm. The first step to prioritizing your well-being and establishing healthier boundaries is realizing these harmful tendencies.
1. The person you’re prioritizing over yourself.
Everybody periodically takes a risk for the people they care about, but we shouldn’t live on that risk all the time. We are fostering toxicity inside ourselves when we continuously put aside our own wants to help someone we love who is in need, even if that need is for a very justifiable reason. We are placing a great deal of pressure on the other person to gain from our advice because we are comparing our own value to our capacity to assist others. By developing co-dependency, we’re destroying our partnership. Taking care of ourselves first, then sharing the excess, is the finest approach to help the people we care about.
2. Your relationship with yourself.
When was the last time you truly cared about and worked on your connection with yourself? In comparison to the number of times you build yourself up, how many times do you put yourself down? What actions are you taking to make sure that the poison you so carefully avoid in other people doesn’t exist in your own life?
3. The friend who is there for you no matter what
(but leaves you when you’re pleased).
The first person to sign up for your pity party is this pal. They appear by your side the instant something goes wrong, offering a shoulder to weep on and expressing sympathy. They appear to be really supportive until things start to go better for you, and then all of a sudden they disappear.
The strange opposite of a fair-weather friend is this: Because your suffering gives them a sense of empowerment, they are only there when the outlook is stormy. Their subtly depressing methods include mercilessly attacking friends or possible romantic partners and pressuring you to engage in harmful habits (“Why go out and meet people tonight when we could just stay in and watch Netflix…”). They want to keep you down with them because they’re down. It is poisonous and is repression posing as support.
4. The spouse who makes you the center of the universe.
This person thinks that the sun rises and sets because of you. Without exception, your joy is their joy and your suffering is their suffering.
This person is putting all of their wellbeing on your shoulders without even acknowledging it. At first, it’s flattering, but the pressure soon increases. They’re having a horrible day if you’re having one. They are also fighting in the trenches if you aren’t at your best. This kind of relationship is parasitic in nature; one spouse provides relatively little to the community as a whole and takes advantage of the other’s well-being. It’s a quick route to codependency that will drain you completely.
5. The relative or acquaintance who is constantly “just being realistic.”
This person consistently asserts that they care about you and don’t want you to suffer or be let down because they have your best interests at heart. However, what this person typically forgets is that growth requires some degree of effort. Without taking certain chances, we can never reach anything worthwhile.
“I’d rather you stay a small, unfulfilled version of yourself than have to bear the personal discomfort of watching you struggle,” is what the person who constantly tells you to be realistic is really saying. They are addressing your issues in the short term, but you will be the one bearing the long-term effects. Realizing that someone does not necessarily have your best interests at heart just because they love you is crucial when dealing with these individuals. It is not necessary for their reality to coincide with yours.
6. The friend with whom you compare yourself all the time.
Appreciating our buddies is pleasant. Comparing ourselves to others is less pleasant. Additionally, comparing our achievement to theirs is blatantly poisonous. No matter how much we admire our friends for their accomplishments, we must keep in mind that comparing our own to theirs is a surefire way to undermine our own value and destroy a meaningful friendship. It could be time to assess your own self-esteem if you feel that your friendship is more of a rivalry than a collaboration. Are you truly responsible for enough of it? Or do you rely on your sense of superiority? In any relationship, the latter is a surefire way to turn into the toxic one.
7. The spouse with whom you are keeping tabs.
Relationships are based in part on keeping score. When you assist someone, they return the favor. When you express gratitude and commitment to your relationship, they reciprocate. But scorekeeping turns poisonous after a while. One individual suddenly has to put in twice as much effort to keep things running properly after falling behind on their dues. An unhealthy power dynamic is created at this stage. By definition, a partnership ends the moment one partner “owes” the other something.
Your responses to these questions will determine the course of the remainder of your relationships. All toxicity ultimately originates at home.
