Unfortunately, I’m In Love With You

No no, of course, everything is fine. Thanks for calling. It’s good to hear from you.

I’ve just been busy with work and school and navigating the uncertainties of life.

What’s that? You’ve tried calling?

Yes, of course, I know. I’ve just been really busy and haven’t had a chance to call you back. I’m really sorry.

I wanted to call you, I really did. I had every intention of calling you the second I saw your missed calls.

I’ve filled my schedule so full and hardly have a moment in the day to talk.

No, I’m not ignoring you, I promise. I would never ignore you.

You remember how talked every day? Me too. I remember how we would stay awake way too late, and do you remember how I would fall asleep on the phone? You would scream, “Hey! Are you awake? Are you alive over there? Don’t leave me hanging!” And then I would finally wake up to you laughing and screaming. I don’t you laugh much anymore.

I know, I know. We don’t talk even longer than twenty minutes now. I didn’t want to bother you, now that you’re in a relationship. I don’t want to take too much time from you.

I’m important to you? Yeah, of course I know that. I’ve always known our friendship is important. But maybe you need a bit more space for your partner than me right now. I don’t want to come in between you two.

Yes, yes, I’m sure they would understand that you need to call your best friend. But doesn’t it seem a little odd that every time we’re on the phone together, your partner bothers you to do some mundane chore, like wash the dishes or call your grandma? As if you couldn’t do those things any other time or after we hang up? I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be angry at you. I’m not. I’m just stating what it feels like when I call. I really love your new partner. They seem wonderful. You seem perfect together.

Things haven’t been perfect? Well, it’s life, it’s not a film. Your relationship is going to be rough no matter who you’re with. That’s how life is supposed to be.

No, I don’t think your relationship should be like our friendship. Friendships are easier. It doesn’t involve love.

Ok yeah, you’re right. It involves love to some extent. But it’s a friendly love. Not a love committing a life together. I’m not committing my deepest desires and hopes with you.

Sorry, that wasn’t meant to be offensive. Yes, I’m sharing intimate details of my life with you. Well, not so much anymore since we don’t talk as much.

Why don’t I call you back? Like I said, I’ve been busy —-

You’re right. That’s not an excuse to refuse to make time for someone I claim to be my best friend. You’re absolutely right.

No, there’s nothing going on. Nothing—

What night? I don’t remember that night.

Right right. I remember now. I said a lot of things that night.

Yes, I know I said we’d be friends no matter what happened or who we dated or where we lived. Yes, I know I said that. No, I’m not trying to passive-aggressively end our friendship.

No, there’s nothing I’m not telling you.

No, I’m not being defensive. That’s the truth. I don’t know why you have to make assumptions about how I feel. That’s the truth. I’ve been busy.

Yeah, whatever, I know you’ve been busy too. You’ve got a new partner. We all know this. We’re all aware.

I’m not angry about them. Do you want to know the truth? I’m tired of hearing about them. I don’t care about how their life is going. I care about you.

Yeah yeah ok, they’re a part of your life now too. Yes, I probably should care. But I can’t remember the last time I heard you call to tell me about you. It’s always, “We did this, we did that.” When did you suddenly become a “we”?

I am not immature.

You asked me what’s going on. That’s what’s going on. Of course you don’t want to hear the truth. Why do you think I refuse to call you back?

You know what? You’re absolutely right. Our friendship has changed. Everything has changed. You’ve changed. I’ve changed. We’ve all freakin’ changed.

No, please don’t call me for a while. I need space.

Why? I can’t believe you’re even asking that question after this entire conversation. What a stupid question to ask.

As long as you’re with them, as long as you’re a “we,” don’t call me. Leave me be.

Why? Why??

Because unfortunately, I’m in love with you. That’s the truth.